Day 617—A Suppression Analysis
Since not long ago I found I can really stop myself to participate in a deep seated design of a mind construct with a close relationship of my family within awareness, and so within this transcending process I could see more details of dimensions from the suppression of myself.
In that moment when the family member were making some expression which I would always react internally or externally, however after a decision and application to thoroughly deconstruct it, this time as I saw the similar expression beside me happening, I stood within my body and watch the whole thing, but nothing happened within, and the event was still going, and I was still breathing, and then decide there is no need to respond but still listening, and I check myself within, found I just stopped there, without any suppression, and this is the moment I realize what is a real stop without suppression. It seemed that I could realize everything in a quantum moment and thus knew well there is no need to go any further.
Therefore within this process I observed how my suppression could be happened in about 5 levels of the mind reaction layers. The first layer is the value and judgment from the interpretation, blaming, projection towards others, for example: “he should not say something like that within his anxiety and lacking of information, which would make people feeling uncomfortable”. The second layer would be some mind constructs of self-victimization and self-judgment etc., like I had been feeling bad and judging myself in the similar circumstances and so reacted to the memories, experiences, pictures, conclusions and so on, for example: a picture with of this person yelling at me and I stood there feeling scary.
Then the next level would be the judgment and reaction towards the previous 2 reactions, it became the suppression of the mind reaction through the knowledge and information. For example, “I should not produce this reaction of blaming others and connect the past memory and experience”.
The forth level is when the moment I found I had constricted myself, then further again, to judge and react to this constriction reaction, believing that I should not suppress myself, and within this I would make a misconception as conclusion that I should not suppress myself in any way whatsoever, I should let it all out, otherwise I was producing more of the mind energy accumulating on my body. It as a misconception because this is still a value system with energy, meanwhile we don’t want to let the emotion go as it is as the personality pattern, but to stand within the emotional energy to transcend the energy, so I can express myself about the process clearly within communication. For example, I am not going to manifest the anger and blaming others, but to back to the breathing and stop the inner process, then I can explain to others how I feel within myself about what happened and what is that all about. Of course there are other options like I could note it down to deal with them afterwards depending on the situation. However as long as I didn’t deconstruct the mind pattern or at the moment create myself in the physicality, it would be more or less in a way and an extent of suppression, if you will.
The fifth level is coming from the misunderstood interpretation on the last level, because within it I have seen if I just let go of my emotions as they are there would be consequences, therefore I just jump into an ideal solution model as I believed no matter what, and still it is the manifestation of value and energy within the knowledge and information. For instance, I right away respond to and support the other, however though the correction itself looked perfect, but it actually became an over-reaction and in fact suppressed the previous inner process, the reaction could be so fast to not allow myself to see clearly what was inside the process, but still could feel the pressure within the body and causing consequence within.
The first 2 levels of the mind pattern are always go together, unless to really stop or deal with or change them right the moment as it happens, otherwise the suppression took the place, sometimes it stayed on the third or fourth level or even went to the fifth level like I was going through, and from there I could see how I just automatically accumulate the mind pattern through all the knowledge and value and judgment mind system instead of really live those as living words and so suppress myself layer after layer and leave the consequence to my body.
After that time I had stopped the deep seated mind pattern attached to the family member, I could in afterwards when I was facing a similar situation, at the moment as the external stimuli set off to be aware of any little movement and right away stop myself within breathing, and leave myself enough space and time to practically respond to the situation which would be best for everyone. And from my experiences the external stimuli as the mind trigger point would be eventually not a point anymore.
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