安德里亚- 我心痛和悲伤的体验

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安德里亚- 我心痛和悲伤的体验

帖子高洪0221 » 周三 8月 05, 2015 7:41 pm

My experience of Heartache and Sorrow
Andrea – My Experience of Heartache and Sorrow
安德里亚- 我心痛和悲伤的体验

Date : 24/09/2008 日期:2008年9月24日
翻译:高洪 审核:Tanya Chou

My experience with regards to feeling ‘heart-broken’ and the experience of sorrow: These experiences are linked to an idea that I have that ‘Love’ exists and also that if something I consider to be ‘bad’ happens I experience regret and a sense of loss. The ‘bad’ experience would be how I have defined what I experience according to whether it suits my idea of what I want or not. If I experience what I wanted then I am ‘happy’ or I would say at least for the time being ‘content’. If I have an experience that I labelled within me as ‘bad’ it comes from my own desires to be something special which actually in my eyes I won’t be able to be, because I don’t actually view anything or anybody as special. Thus my desire to be something is a endless cycle as I experience it because I never quite experience me as ‘something’ other than just a human walking around either able to place myself effectively or not. The desire to be something soon loses its appeal to me as I realise that the desire itself is ego based and thus requires constant participation within the design for the desires to be maintained. So currently I am working with not allowing me to define me according to anything, as any definition I tend to place according to whether it serves me (good) or not (bad). Serving me is to not define me because I realise that living as any definition means that one must take care to present and fulfil all points required for one to experience the definition. So my point here is that heartache and sorrow is linked to a definition that I have of who I think I should be, could be and would like to be. The points of heartache and sorrow come in when I experience the regret and loss – that I did not succeed in experiencing me as the ‘desired’ (good) definition, or that I am now experiencing myself as the ‘bad’ undesired definition.
我的被视作感觉“心碎”和悲伤的体验的经历:这些体验关联到一个我所拥有的“爱”存在的概念,并且同时如果一些我认为是“坏的”事情发生我就体验到内疚和一种失去的感觉。“坏的”体验将会是我如何定义我体验到什么根据它是否适合于我的要或不要的想法。如果我体验到是我要的那么我就“快乐”或者我将会说至少在当时是“满足的”。如果我有一种体验是我在我里面贴上标签作为“坏的”-它来自于我自己的想成为某个特别的事物的欲望而实际上在我眼里我是不能够成为的,因为我实际上没有考虑过任何事或者任何人是如同特别的。因此我的想成为某些事物的欲望是一个无尽的循环作为我体验它因为我从来完全没有体验我等如是“某事物”,除了只是一个人类四处游荡能有效或无效地放置我自己。对于我想成为某事物的欲望很快失去了它的吸引力,作为我认识到这欲望本身是立基于臆构自我并因此需要持续的参与进入为了让欲望维持住的设计中。所以目前我工作于不允许我根据任何东西来界定义我,作为任何定义我倾向于根据不论它服侍我(好)或是不服侍(坏)来放置。服侍我就是不定义我因为我认识到:作为任何定义活着意味着一个人必须小心当前并且要满足为一个人去体验定义所必需的所有点。因此在这里我的要点是:心痛和悲伤是关联到一个我拥有的我认为我应该是谁、将会是谁和想要成为谁的定义。当我体验内疚和失去时这个心痛和悲伤的点就进来了——在体验我自己作为“渴望的”(好的)定义方面我没有成功,或者我现在正体验我自己作为“坏的”不期望的定义。

For example with experiencing the undesired definition – this is when I allow me to go into sorrow because then I feel a sense of loss or that I have become my worst fear. Thus all my desires in some way or another become the reason why I either feel ‘content’ or access the feeling of sorrow and depression. If I don’t get my desired outcome I feel depressed and this outcome would be dependent on whether I am seeing me as the director of my world instead of that I am the victim. So here we have another point: I either in any given moment experience myself as the victim or the winner. Thus if I am the director and beneficiary of the outcome of what I am experiencing then I feel ‘content’ with myself and my environment. If I experience myself as being victimised through my allowance or ‘at a loss’ and not the director of everything I come into contact with, then I experience myself as disappointed in me and thus access sorrow.
例如,伴随着对不想要的定义的体验——这是当我允许我进入悲伤因为然后我感受到一种失去或者我变成了我的最恶劣的害怕的感觉。因此我的全部欲望以这样或那样的方式成为了为什么我要么感觉“满足”要么接取悲伤和沮丧的感觉的理由。如果我没有得到我期望的结果我感觉沮丧,而且这个结果将会是取决于是否我看我自己作为我的世界的导者而不是受害者。因此这里我们有另一个要点:我在任何给定瞬间里体验我自己作为受害者或是胜利者,二者取其一。因此如果我是指导者和我正在体验的结果的受益者,那么我感觉对我自己和我的环境“满足”。如果我体验我自己作为就是受害者通过我的允许或者“不知所措”和不是我接触到的每一件事情的指导者,那么我体验我自己作为失望的在我里面并因此接取悲伤。

Sorrow is therefore the emotion through which I withdraw from myself, in anger and regret because I did not achieve the outcome that I designed within how I view me. How I view me within this is to become a better thinker and a stronger character, or else I won’t make it in this world. Now looking at how I have structured my perception of how all my reactions as mentioned above fit into my view of myself, I would say that I constantly have to manipulate myself to feel strong and to act smart. I want to be strong so that I may feel strength as myself and thus not fear anything. Therefore I allow me to tell myself (manipulation) that to appear strong to myself I must ‘achieve’ certain outcomes. This is where the ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ come from.
悲伤因此是情绪,通过它我离开我自己、进入愤怒和内疚,由于我没有获得那个我设计的在我里面我如何看待我自己的结果。在这里面我如何看待我自己是成为一个更好的思考者和一个更强壮的性格,否则我将不能在这个世界里达到结果。现在来看看我如何早已结构化我的看法关于我全部的反应是怎样如上所述以符合我自己的观点,我会说我经常地不得不操纵我自己去感觉强壮和表现得聪明。我想要变得强壮以便于我可以感觉力量等如是我自己而且因此不用害怕任何事物。所以我允许我去告诉我自己(操纵)要显得我自己是强壮的我必须“取得”确定的结果。这是“好”对抗“坏”来自的地方。

The ‘Good’ outcome is how I determine whether I am able to accept myself and the bad is how I decide when to back down from what I am busy with. I have therefore designed certain reactions within me like sorrow and heartache as a reaction to the ‘bad’ experience so that I may withdraw from what I was doing because it is not working for me and thus must not be done again. Now the problem here obviously is that you cannot just ‘back down’ from what you are busy with, just because you see that it makes you ‘feel bad’ based on a need to feel content and directive. For example if I want a certain outcome during my day so that I may feel more clever or stronger and in the end I don’t experience me as that – I will dip into tiredness and sorrow, to force myself to stop participating. Why stop participating? So that I may try something else that works. After all what point is there in continually circling around the same crap everyday if it brings you no satisfaction? Interesting I have never seen these points before.
“好的”结果是我如何决定是否我能接受我自己,而“坏的”结果是我如何决定何时我放弃我正在忙碌的事情。因此我已经设计了在我里面必然的反应像悲伤和心痛作为一个对“坏的”体验的反应以便于我可以从我正在做的事情当中撤退因为它对我是无用的而且因此必定再也不做了。现在这里问题明显是你不能只是从你正在忙碌的事情中“打退堂鼓”,仅仅因为以一个想要满足的和指导的的需要为基础你看见它使你“感觉坏”。例如,如果在我的一天当中我想要一个明确的结果以便于我可以感觉更加聪明或者强壮而最后我没有体验我自己作为那些——我将沉浸在疲劳和悲伤里面,强迫我自己停止参与。为什么停止参与?使我可以尝试其他的事情有结果。在持续地每天围绕在同样的废物之中如果它并没有带给你满意时,终究的要点是什么呢?有趣的是之前我从来没有看见这些要点。

So I might entertain my mind with ventures and games during the day through which I either feel stronger and directive or I decide to back off and try something else. If I don’t feel like trying something ‘new’ to boost my ego then I will access depression which is how I remain subdued, waiting for the next point to ‘emerge’ from within my environment.
所以我可能用在一天中冒险和游戏通过我要么感觉强壮和主导或者我决定撤退并尝试其他事情来娱乐我的心智。如果我没有感觉到像是尝试一些“新”事物促进我的臆构自我那么我将接取沮丧-那便是我依然保持压抑着的,等待着在我的环境里“浮现”出来下一个点。

So I wait for the next point and basically lose all interest in what I am not being successful with, until I am able to direct me into ‘feeling’ strength or directive again. Sorrow is therefore how I change myself from being expressive to not expressive in the waiting for a better opportunity to find the solution again, in which I will access what I ‘require’. So is sorrow real then from the perspective that I actually feel ‘sad’? No because what I feel sad about is actually not that I am sorry or have remorse but rather feel depressed within because I did not feel clever or directive or in control. Sorrow for example in the case with what I am experiencing right now with Anthony leaving would be how I view myself in light of the ideal situation I perceived I would liked to have had. I am not sorry for myself from the perspective of being mortified that he left or that he has made a mistake. I feel ‘sorrow’ (which is the word we use to describe how I feel as an actual relative experience within) because I wanted things to become more effective and fun and instead had to let Anthony go because we just did not get the points right. No biggie because fuck I am still learning how to stop the bullshit abuse and live here in self honesty. So the experience of sorrow is linked to my expectations that I have of myself, the whole reason why I came here and one of the reason why I struggle to become grounded in day to day stuff. I desire to be directive, yet within directive I mean basically to feel good about myself and make sure that I don’t just get what other people settle for but actually the stuff I WANT. For example: an agreement with somebody where both just fully express in the agreement without regret, without shame, without hate, without self abuse, without holding onto ideas that either one is bad or wrong or sick in the head. So for example with Anthony how I experience myself is as regret because I should have been directive about who I went into an agreement with and not allowed myself to desire, but instead I went into an agreement and allowed my desires to run rampant like desiring to be special and to be sexually free with him. When we both realised we had issues (duh) we both accessed our crap and presented it to each other on silver platters. Both have to take responsibility for what we allowed and both must forgive for each to really enjoy who we are.
所以我等待着下一个点,而且在我没有做成功的方面基本上丧失了所有的兴趣,直到我能指导我再次进入“感觉”强壮的或指导的。悲伤因此是我如何改变我自己从具有表现力的变成没有表现力的-在等待一个更好的机会去再次找到解决方案,期间我将接取我“需要”什么。因此,那么从我实际上感觉到“悲伤的”这个观点来看悲伤是真的吗?不,因为我感觉的有关悲伤不是真实的我很抱歉或者有悔恨,而是在我里面由于我没有感觉到聪明或者指导的或者在控制中而感觉沮丧。悲伤,比如在现阶段我正在体验到的有关安东尼的离开——将会是我根据我认为我会喜欢拥有的理想的状况中我如何看待我自己。从正在苦恼于他离开或者他做错了的观点来看我没有为我自己感到可惜。我感到“悲伤”(这是一个词语我们用来描述我如何感觉作为一个实际的关系的体验在我里面)因为我想要事情变得更加有效和有趣而不是因为我们只是没有正确的到达那个点必须让安东尼离开。不要紧,因为他妈的我仍然在学习怎样停止荒谬的滥虐和在自我-诚实里活这里。所以悲伤的体验是关联到我所拥有的对我自己的期望,为什么我来到这里的整个原因和为什么我努力争取在日常东西中成为踏实的原因之一。我想要成为指导的,然而在指导里面我基本上意欲对我自己感觉良好并且确保我不只是成为其他人仕为我设定的那些而实际上是我要的那些东西。例如:与某人有一个协议——其中在协议里两个人都恰好充分地表达自己而没有内疚、没有羞愧、没有憎恨、没有自我滥虐、没有紧抓住在头脑中另一个人是坏的或错的或厌恶的的想法。所以举个例子,与安东尼一起我如何体验我自己是作为内疚的,因为我应该是指导的关于与谁一起走进一个协议而且不允许我自己去欲望,但是取而代之的是我走进一个协议而且允许我的欲望猖獗的奔跑像是:欲望成为特殊的和在性方面与他不受约束的。当我们两个人都认识到我们出了问题,我们两个都接取我们的废物并装在银盘上呈现给彼此。双方都必须为我们所允许了的承担起责任以及双方都必须为每人宽恕走向真正的享受我们是谁。

First though I had to realise that I wanted to achieve something and when I only accessed the ‘bad’ side of myself with very little results for the ‘good’ I perceived in me, I slowly started to get angry and to withdraw because that is where we both access ‘depression’ as a coping/hiding mechanism. I desired within the relationship (as an example) to be heard and to feel alive within my own skin. To accomplish this I had to become playful and have a blast all day. Not being able to have fun all day like a little girl I soon fell into a withdrawal and soon into a pattern of obsessive depressive fatigue. This tiredness comes from wanting to sleep and wake up and start feeling me again. The sleep I experience as a dying sensation through which I emerge as rejuvenated and ready to face more shit that I have to do to get myself to ‘feel’ directive. Therefore directive is not who I am yet but rather something I have heard requires to be done successfully for myself and all to not have so many issues and fuck each other up. Thus directive stands separate from me if it still has a value instead of being who I am, always here.
首先,虽然我不得不认识到我想要获得一些东西和当我只是接取我自己的“坏的”方面而我认为的在我里面“好的”方面只有用非常小的成果时,我慢慢地开始变得愤怒并且离开,因为那是我们双方都接取“沮丧”作为一个因应/隐藏机制。在关系中我期望(作为一个例子)被倾听和在我的皮肤里面感觉活着的。为了实现这个我必须成为幽默的和整天玩得开心的。由于不可能像一个小女孩那样整天都玩得开心,很快我感觉掉进了撤退里而且很快进入了一种强迫性的忧郁的疲劳模式。这种疲劳来自于想要去睡觉和醒来和开始再次感觉我自己。睡眠-我体验它作为一个死亡的感觉通过我成为恢复活力的和准备去面对更多狗屁的东西我必须要去做让我自己“感觉到”指导的。因此指导仍然不是我是谁,然而更确切地说是我已经听到的一些东西需要去为我自己成功地做而且全都不会有这么多的问题和让对方吃不消。因此,指导立足于与我自己的分离如果它仍然有一个价值而不是作为我是谁、恒常在这里。

This brings me back to where I still allow myself to desire an outcome within which I feel better from the perspective of feeling directive and content. I desire to feel like nothing is more than me and nothing has control over me. I would say that the reason why most have ‘depression’ is because we see how we allow ourselves to conform to fear and rules and systems and do nothing to stop it. Thus we hide and we blame others for the problem instead of taking self responsibility. Therefore to depress me is saying that I am not willing to stop what exists within me as competition, the need to direct myself and the need to be better in my way of thinking and acting. The ultimate robot who wants to dance like no other robot.
So, the robot within me wants to ultimately break all restrictions and dance like crazy, but I am to afraid of giving up on how I play the game in which I have learnt I am fairly safe if all goes well. Meaning: to take chances each day to break free but once I am unsure of myself I back down again. By breaking free I mean to let go of all expectations, all desires and just be here in self expression. So what do I desire and how do I let go of my desires:
这一切带我回到我在我里面仍然允许我自己期望一个从感觉指导和满足的角度来看我感觉更好的结果。我期望去感觉像是没有东西比我更多和没有东西在我之上控制我。我会说为什么大多数拥有的“忧郁”的原因是因为我们看见我们如何允许我们自己去遵照害怕和规则和系统并且不做任何事去停止它,因此我们隐藏并且我们为难题抱怨其他人仕而不是承担起自己-责任。因此抑郁我自己是说我没有意愿去停止——在我自己里面存在着的作为竞争、指导我自己的需要和用我的方式思考和行动成为更好的需要。想要舞出如同没有其他机器人的终极机器人。
因此,在我里面的机器人想要极限地打破所有限制条件而且发了疯似的跳舞,但是我害怕放弃我怎样玩游戏-在其中我已经学到如果一切顺利我是相当安全的。意思是:每一天尝试一下挣脱束缚但是一旦我对我自己不确定我会再次放弃。通过挣脱束缚,我是说对全部的期望、全部的欲望放手,并且只是在这里在自我-表达中。所以我想要什么以及我怎样对我的欲望放手:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit a picture presentation of myself within this world, as presented by the system for each to ‘be accepted within the system’
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己想要适合一张在这个世界里我自己的表现的图片,作为通过系统对彼此‘在系统内是被接受的’来呈现
I forgive myself for desiring to be ‘safe’ from the perspective of having no financial difficulties or having to beg others for money or security
我宽恕我自己因为我渴望是‘安全的’从这个角度:没有财政困难或者不得不为钱或者为抵押而去乞讨
I forgive myself for desiring to have the ‘creature comforts’ that exist within this world, that seemingly ‘make things easier’ to live with, like money and people who support you in your personality design
我宽恕我自己因为我渴望拥有存在于这个世界里的‘物质享受’,那个看上去‘使得事情更容易’生活,就像有钱和有人支持你在你的个性设计里
I forgive myself for desiring to be strong and to have no fear, instead of walking in self trust
我宽恕我自己因为我渴望我是强壮的并且没有恐惧,而不是行走在自己-信赖里
I forgive myself for desiring a specific outcome with regards to my own experiences, as to not make mistakes and not have to face my own decisions.
我宽恕我自己因为我渴望在我自己的体验里面有一个特殊的结果,比如不会犯错误和不必面对我自己的决定
I forgive myself for having such expectations of myself that when the expectations are not met, I access ‘sorrow’ which is depression as a form of inner punishment and self abuse
我宽恕我自己因为我拥有一个对我自己这样的期望:当期望未达成时,我接取‘悲伤’-这是抑郁作为一种内在惩罚和自我滥虐的形式

Heartache: heartache I would say is the inner emotional struggle that exists within me where I want to experience love and being desired and having value. Therefore if I don’t experience myself as desired and loved and appreciated I go into the emotional ‘bubble’ called heartache. An actual experience of a messed up reality within my chest and mind in which the pain is intense yet suppressed with me saying things like: ‘no I am fine’. Yet what I realise is that the pain in my chest is associated to the desire to have all I want and for it to be practical. Once I realise that I am not going to get what I ‘want’ that is how and where I access this bubble. I then walk around with my heart literally sore with failed desire and within this I won’t express the pain, just suppress. Within the suppression I realise that the desire for love and validation is not real because nobody can give it to you, but I had designed such a pretty idea in my head of what is possible between two beings that I am utterly disappointed that it just cannot be. Why can two beings not just enjoy each other and commit to each other and then stick to the agreement? Why must there always be an end or why must one or both beings end up feeling like they have done something wrong. So that is why I allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ because my idea of how an agreement could be is for both beings to get over their crap and enjoy each other. Now of course I realise that within my statement I am making a justification for relationship in which two beings live together and participate with each other. I realise that all relationships are based on some desire and thus as the desire is of the mind, eventually it will end because if the desire runs out beings tend to lose interest. I experience heartache because the beings I enjoyed expressing me with either lost interest or just did not want to continue because something happened and thus it had to end. My experience of heartache is therefore based on a conditioned believe that I must find the ideal agreement where both beings actually want to be there and apply themselves effectively for themselves, so that nobody has to leave in order for one to ‘get it right’. This also implies that for both to actually walk together in self trust, each must face what they allow and stand up within themselves for themselves.
心痛:我会说心痛是存在于我里面的内在情绪挣扎,在其中我想要体验爱和被期待和有价值的。因此如果我没有体验我自己作为被期待的和被爱的和被欣赏的我就进入情绪“泡泡”叫做心痛。一种搞砸了现实的真实的体验在我的胸部和心智里,在里面痛是强烈的然而我说这类话抑制我自己:“不,我很好。”而我认识到的是:那个我胸部里的痛是与拥有我想要的全部和为了让这一切成现实的渴望相关的。一旦我认识到我不打算去得到我“想要”的-那就是怎样和在哪里我接取这个泡泡,我然后走在我的心里简直是失去了期望的痛心,而且在这里面我不会表达这痛只是压抑它。在压抑里面我认识到:对爱和确认的渴望不是真的因为没有人能够将它给予我,但是我已经在我头脑中设计了如此漂亮的在两个人仕之间什么是可能的的想法——它只是无法实现我就绝对地失望。为什么两个人仕不能够只是享受彼此和对彼此承诺且然后坚持协议呢?为什么总是必须有一个结束或者为什么一人或双方必须结束于感觉好像他们做错了什么事?因此,那就是为什么我允许我自己体验“心痛”因为我的一个协议应该是怎样的的想法是:为两位人仕去克服他们的废物和享受他们彼此。现在当然我认识到了,在我的声明里面我制造了一个为关系的辩护,在那儿两位人仕要住在一起和彼此参与。我认识到所有的关系都立基于一些渴望所以作为渴望是心智的,最终它将结束因为如果渴望耗尽存有趋向于失去兴趣。我体验心痛是因为那个我曾享受表达我自己的存有要么失去了兴趣要么只是不想再继续,因为发生了一些事且因此它不得不结束。我的心痛的体验是因而立基于一个有条件的信念:我必须找到一个理想的协议-两个存有实际上想要去那里和有效地为他们自己应用他们自己,以便于没有人会为了一个人要去“做对”必须离开。这也暗示着为双方去实际地行走在自我诚实里,每一个人必须面对他们所允许的并且在他们自己里面为他们自己站立起来。

I forgive myself for accepting this conditioning within myself based on wanting a relationship based in control of an outcome.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受这个条件在我自己里面:立基于需要一个以结果的控制为基础的关系
I forgive myself for wanting to have a relationship so that I may experience the feelings of love and justify this by saying: ‘but why is it not possible for two beings to enjoy each other’
我宽恕我自己因为我想要拥有一个关系以便于我可以体验爱的感觉和通过这样说“为什么两个存有不可能一起享受彼此呢?”来证明它是正当的
I forgive myself for wanting an ideal relationship where two beings participate fully and allow themselves to express and communicate and live
我宽恕我自己因为我想要一个理想的关系,在那里两个存有完全参与和允许他们表达和沟通和生活
I forgive myself for conditioning another’s expres¬sion, to what I would like it to be within relationship to me
我宽恕我自己因为我以其他人的表现为条件,来看有什么是让我乐意进入这段关系的
I forgive myself for desiring to be in a relationship with somebody who will be gentle and supportive, yet able to stand up to bulshit and assist me in standing up to my bulshit.
我宽恕我自己因为我期望在这样一种关系中:某人将是温和的和支持的,也能够在胡说中站立起来并支持我在我的胡说中站立起来
I forgive myself for allowing designs within the matrix to present a picture to me in which people desire the ‘ideal’ relationships
我宽恕我自己因为我在母体里设计出一张图片展示给我自己,在其中人们期望“理想的”关系
I forgive myself for judging people who are in relationships even though I myself have designed one in my mind and will actually experience my bubble of emotional heartache if I am not experiencing my design.
我宽恕我自己因为我评判在关系中的其他人仕即使我自己已经设计了一个“关系”在我的心智中,并且如果我没有体验到我的设计那么我将实际地体验到我的情绪心痛泡泡
I forgive myself for taking it personally if somebody does not want to be my friend or be in a relationship with me
我宽恕我自己因为如果某人不想要做我的朋友或者与我进入一段关系中,我就将此认为是针对我自己个人的
I forgive myself for desiring a mind puppet through which I may direct my own desires for sex and comparison and needs
我宽恕我自己因为我渴望一个心智木偶,通过它我可以为了性和比较和需要指导我自己的渴望

So I have realised that sorrow is the disappointment I experience with myself when I don’t experience what I would like to have or experience throughout my day. Heartache is an emotional bubble that I allow within me when I don’t feel loved or caressed or desired. The sorrow is linked (as I experience it) to the desire for power in which I either am the winner over what I set out to do or the looser. The winning depending on whether I am able to congratulate myself on fulfilling one or all points I set out to do – based on an idea I have of my purpose.
因此,我认识到那悲伤是当我没有体验到我想要在我的一天中去拥有或体验的东西时我体验到对我自己的失望。心痛是一个情绪泡泡是我允许它在我里面当我没有感受到被爱或被爱抚或被期待时。悲伤是关联到(正如我体验到的)对力量的渴望,在那儿我要么是一个超越我在做的某事之上的赢者要么是输者。胜利取决于我是否能祝贺我自己在完成我着手做的事情的一个或全部方面——立基于一个我所拥有的我的目的的想法。

Heartache is linked to my emotional states pertaining to relationships. These relationships could be friendships or agreements or relationships with any being in my environment. If I attach an emotional outcome e.g.: being desired or validated to the relationship, then I sometimes allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ if these points are not met. Thus if I want to feel desired for example within a relationship I might set out to do certain things, which will result in me experiencing myself according to what I desire to experience. The heartache is therefore how I would perceive myself to have ‘lost an experience’ through which I would have experienced me as: for example desired, needed, wanted. The focus of wanting this experience to come from outside me, comes from wanting self to be desired, be likable, be wanted. Which means that I want to have purpose for me to be able to live with myself. If the purpose is to be needed then I will go into relationship so that I may have a purpose, so that I don’t have to face me in not having a purpose.
心痛关联到我的情绪状态与关系有关。这些关系可能是友谊或是协议或在我的环境里与任何存有的关系。如果我依恋一个情绪结果比如:是被期待的或确认这关系,如果这些点没有满足然后有时我就允许我自己去体验“心痛”。因此如果我要去感觉被期待例如在一段关系里面我可能着手去做确定的事情,将会导致我依据我渴望去体验到什么在我里面体验我自己。这心痛因此是我会如何感知我自己去拥有“失去一个体验”通过某种我将会体验到我作为:例如渴望、需要、想要。关注的重点是想要这个体验来自于我的外部,来自于想要自己是被期待的、是可爱的、是被需要的。意味着我想要为我自己拥有一个目的以能够心安理得。如果这目的是被需要的那么我将进入关系以便于我可以拥有一个目的,以便于我不必在没有目的中去面对我。

Why purpose? Is it not simpler to just be here without a set purpose or design? Yes I realise that to state oneself as purpose or without validation, is to say that I want to exist as a projected image for me to try and live by. Why? As I write this I see that I don’t want to actually have purpose but believe that I should have purpose and thus want to give me purpose through relationship. If I am here with no purpose then I feel anxious because I know that in this world one cannot just sit around and have no purpose while millions suffer. I also realise that to tell myself: I must do something for me as all, I am giving me a purpose. The point though is to not seek a purpose for self through relationship. How does one exist here without seeking value especially not value through relationship? Practically I realise that while I am here I see what exists as this world and I see what I am able to do to stop myself from self destructing and then assist those I communicate with to realise the same. So my purpose is not to make myself feel better about myself either by designing paths or journeys to walk to apparently be no more inner abuse. Because as I walk I assist me in self honesty. I don’t require to build special relationships so that I may assist me.
为什么有目的?只是在这里没有一组目的或设计不是更简单吗?是的,我认识到去陈述一个人自己作为目的或者在外面的确认,是在说:我想要存在作为一个投射的图像为我自己去尝试和通过它活。为什么?正当我写这个我看见我实际上不想要有目的但是相信我应该拥有目的而且因此想要通过关系给予我目的。如果我是这里没有目的那么我感觉焦虑因为我知道在这个世界里一个人不能仅仅无所事事没有目的而当数百万人正在受苦。我也认识到告诉我自己:我必须为我作为全体做一些事情,我在给予我一个目的。这个点虽然是不为自己通过关系去寻找一个目的。不再追求价值尤其是没有通过关系的价值,一个人如何生存在这里?事实上我领悟到,当我是这里我看见什么存在作为这世界而且我看见什么是我能去做去停止我自己自我毁灭并且然后支持那些我与之沟通的人仕以领悟到相同的。所以我的目的是不使我自己关于我自己感觉更好——要么经由设计途径、要么行程走到表面上是不再内在滥虐。因为作为我行走我支持我在自我-诚实里,我不需要去建立特殊的关系以便于我可以支持我。

Therefore my realisation is that whoever I communicate with is not there to fill a gap in self definition so that I don’t self abuse. If I communicate with a being I self express me in understanding of who I am . Therefore the emotions that I used to give me purpose to not self abuse are not valid. I do not require the opposite polarity of self abuse emotions for me to be here. The opposite polarity emotions for example being: feeling needed, loved, special whereas before I would have ‘lived’ to destroy me as self hate and loathing.
因此我的领悟是:无论我与谁沟通都不是在那里去弥补自我定义中的缺陷以便于我不再自我滥虐。如果我与一位存有沟通,我自己在对我是谁的理解中表达我,因此我过去用来给予我不再自我滥虐目的的情绪是无效的。我不需要自我滥虐的对立极性情绪令我在这里。对立极性情绪例如是:感觉被需要、被爱的、特别的,有鉴于在我将会作为自我憎恨和嫌恶已经“活着”毁灭我自己之前。

I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret for not accessing more emotions that would have given me a feeling of self worth during my relationships with people
我宽恕我自己因为我允许我自己去体验内疚为了没有接取更多情绪,那将会在我与他人的关系中给我一种自我价值的感觉
I forgive myself for holding onto heartache if I do not experience myself differently around people
我宽恕我自己因为我紧抓住心痛,否则我就不能和周围人有区别地体验我自己
I forgive myself for placing conflict, sorrow as control and self hatred as the reason why I should have tried harder or done more in my relationships
我宽恕我自己因为我放置冲突、悲伤作为控制和自我憎恨作为理由以解释为什么在我的关系中我必须做得努力或做更多
I forgive myself for placing value in relationship, whereby I would desire to feel needed and fulfilled – thus if these points are not met I access inner conflict about whether I am really able to live with me, seeing as I fucked up again
我宽恕我自己因为我在关系中放置价值,借此我将会渴望去感觉到被需要和充实的——因此,如果这些点没有满足我会接取关于我是否真正的能够与我生活在一起的内心冲突,看上去我会再次搞砸

So this brings an interesting point. If I connect my idea of fucking up in relationship to something like heartache then it means that I hold onto me as again either being a success in life or not. The heartache being the ‘reference point’ of again whether I feel I was successful or not in whatever I applied myself as. The idea of success or no success again obviously ties in with me as my purpose as the end result of my purpose therefore I am complete.
因此,这带出一个有趣的点:如果我连接我的搞砸的想法关联到某些事物像心痛上,那么它意味着我紧紧抓住我作为再次要么是在生活中成功的要么不是。心痛是再次的“参考点”:我是否感觉我是不是成功的或,在无论我应用我自己作为什么里。成功或不成功的想法再次明显地与我结合作为我的目的、作为我的目的的最终结果因此我是完全的。

I forgive myself for desiring to become somebody who everybody else is able to say: look she stood up she is free from all her emotions
我宽恕我自己因为我期望成为是每个人都能这样说的某個人:看,她已经站立起来了,她从所有她的情绪中解脱出来了
I forgive myself for fearing being the person in the room who thinks they did not achieve their purpose which is to be seen by others as stable and strong.
我宽恕我自己因为我害怕成为在这样的房间里-认为他们没有实现他们的目的的人,即是被其他人视作为是稳定的和强壮的
I forgive myself for watching and comparing myself to others who are seen as stable and thinking that I must be like them
我宽恕我自己因为我观察和比较其他人,他们看上去等如稳定而且我认为我应该像他们一样
I forgive myself for believing that unless I am more stable and able to stand up to others and events then I am just small and powerless and experience sadness
我宽恕我自己因为我相信除非我是更稳定的和能够在其他人和事件面前站立起来,否则我仅仅是矮小和无力的和体验悲伤的
I forgive myself for allowing the experience of sadness by thinking about that which I have not been able to do, which is mostly based on ideas about relationships and accomplishments and not about what is best for all
我宽恕我自己因为我通过思考我没有能够做到的允许我自己体验悲伤,而这绝大部分是以“关系”和“达成”的看法为基础,并且没有考虑到对全体最好
I forgive myself for judging myself as not being the right person to stand up for all because I still allow myself to enjoy relationships and the participation therein.
我宽恕我自己因为我评判我自己还没有成为那个正确的人为全体站立起来,因为我仍然允许我自己去享受关系并参与其中
I forgive myself for attaching a polarity to whether I fit a picture of what is best or not, meaning whether I act one way or another
我宽恕我自己因为我依附于极性来判定我是否胜任一个什么是或不是最好的图像,意味着不管我以一种或另一种方法行事
I forgive myself for focussing on the emotional outcome of an event rather than being self honest about myself and trusting me in self responsibility
我宽恕我自己因为我聚焦于一个事件的情绪结果上,而不是作为自我诚实对我自己和在自我-责任里相信我自己
I forgive myself for desiring an emotional outcome pertaining to anything I participate in because the emotion will be the ‘reference point’ as to whether I experience myself as content or sad
我宽恕我自己因为我对于任何我参与其中的事情渴望一个情绪性结果,因为情绪将是“参考点”作为我是否体验我自己等如是充实的或者难过的
I forgive myself for holding an emotional measurement to each point I participate in or experience and from there either experience me as content because I was ‘good’ in that moment or sorrow’ because I looked or acted bad.
我宽恕我自己因为我紧抓住一个情绪度量值对于我所参与进入或体验的每一个点,而且从中任何一个体验我等如是满足因为在那个片刻我是“好的”或者悲伤因为我看上去或行为“不好”

The good or bad as I mentioned being a value and judgment I have about how I think I should experience me instead of what is practical for me and all. I still allow myself to look at myself and my participation as good or bad: meaning I have judgements about what I say and whether I should be saying and doing it. The judgment comes from fear of making a decision that will apparently according to my definition of ‘loss’ cost me dearly. Thus if for example I fear saying something which later is used against me then I compromise myself. Thus sometimes I will hold back on what I experience and allow me to experience judgment about any ‘value’ of expression because at the end of it all my own inner battle with value leaves me bitter about value. Thus I will often in my mind judge what people value because I myself value so much, to which I must apparently live by, because I have decided that if I don’t I am a bad person. A bad person being me in self expression if it costs another something or makes me feel silly or creates a situation where I see myself as less than or mistaken. So how I also experience ‘heartbroken’ is me in general if I allow myself to define me according to conditions of failure and mistakes where I messed up or hurt me through my ‘decisions’. Thus I view all and any decisions I make as non trustworthy due to my inability to just be and allow me to ‘make mistakes’ stand up and walk in self trust. So heartache is linked to no self trust because if I unconditionally accepted myself and walk in trust of me I would not experience the loss associated to the ‘heartache’ (the definition of me as less than or of little value).
作为我提到的好或者坏是一个价值和评判我所拥有关于我认为应该如何体验我自己,而不是什么是实际的为我自己和全体。我仍然允许我自己着眼于我自己和我的参与作为好或者坏:意味着关于我说的以及是否我应该这样说和这样做我是有评判的。评判来自于害怕做出决定,那将显然是依据“失去”会让我损失惨重的我的定义。因此例如,如果我害怕说出某些东西,后续它会用来攻击我然后我对我自己妥协。因此有时我将抑制我所体验的而且允许我去体验关于任何表达的“价值”的评判,因为最终全部我自己里面的关于价值的斗争给我留下的是关于价值的痛苦。因此我将经常在我的心智里评判人们的价值是什么,因为我/我自己的价值达到了如此的程度以致于我显然必须靠它活着,因为我已经决定如果我不是这样的那我就是一个坏人。一个坏人就是我在自我表达里-如果它损失其他东西或使我感觉到愚蠢或制造出一种我看我自己等如矮小或错误的处境,所以一般而言这也是我怎样体验“心痛”是我,如果我允许我自己去定义我是依据失败和错误的情形-在那里我搞砸了或用我的“决定”伤害我自己。因此我查看所有和任何我经由我的无能力作为不值得信赖做出的决定,去仅仅和允许我自己去“犯错误”站立起来和行走在自我诚实中。所以心痛是关联到没有自我信赖,因为如果我无条件地接受我自己和行走在我的信任中我将不会体验到关连到“心痛”的失去(我的作为矮小或低价值的自我定义)。

What I have realised is that the only way to push through any experiences of sorrow or heartache is to forgive myself for the accepted and allowed conditioning, for which I have attached value to. Then to stop thoughts associated to the moments where I would give in to the perception that for me to experience worth of myself I must go there or participate with a specific person/event. Therefore self intimacy and realising each experience or feeling I have defined as being ‘due to another being or event’ was actually me experiencing myself and that I will not experience self value or worth through my participation with a person or event, but that it is always here, constant as me.
我领悟到的是:穿过任何悲伤或心痛的体验的唯一方法是为我所接受和允许了的条件、为我已经依附于的价值去宽恕我自己。然后停止关联到那个片刻的思想——当中我将会屈服于为我去体验我自己的价值我必须去那里或者参与进一个特殊的人仕/事件里的看法。因此自我亲密和领悟我所定义作为是“由于另一个人仕或事件”的每一个体验或感觉实际上是我体验我自己,并且我将不再通过我的参与与一位人仕或事件体验自我价值或值得,而是它永远在这里、恒定等如我。
我的博客:http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/5337742151

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