My experience of Heartache and Sorrow
Andrea – My Experience of Heartache and Sorrow
Date : 24/09/2008 日期：2008年9月24日
翻译：高洪 审核：Tanya Chou
My experience with regards to feeling ‘heart-broken’ and the experience of sorrow: These experiences are linked to an idea that I have that ‘Love’ exists and also that if something I consider to be ‘bad’ happens I experience regret and a sense of loss. The ‘bad’ experience would be how I have defined what I experience according to whether it suits my idea of what I want or not. If I experience what I wanted then I am ‘happy’ or I would say at least for the time being ‘content’. If I have an experience that I labelled within me as ‘bad’ it comes from my own desires to be something special which actually in my eyes I won’t be able to be, because I don’t actually view anything or anybody as special. Thus my desire to be something is a endless cycle as I experience it because I never quite experience me as ‘something’ other than just a human walking around either able to place myself effectively or not. The desire to be something soon loses its appeal to me as I realise that the desire itself is ego based and thus requires constant participation within the design for the desires to be maintained. So currently I am working with not allowing me to define me according to anything, as any definition I tend to place according to whether it serves me (good) or not (bad). Serving me is to not define me because I realise that living as any definition means that one must take care to present and fulfil all points required for one to experience the definition. So my point here is that heartache and sorrow is linked to a definition that I have of who I think I should be, could be and would like to be. The points of heartache and sorrow come in when I experience the regret and loss – that I did not succeed in experiencing me as the ‘desired’ (good) definition, or that I am now experiencing myself as the ‘bad’ undesired definition.
For example with experiencing the undesired definition – this is when I allow me to go into sorrow because then I feel a sense of loss or that I have become my worst fear. Thus all my desires in some way or another become the reason why I either feel ‘content’ or access the feeling of sorrow and depression. If I don’t get my desired outcome I feel depressed and this outcome would be dependent on whether I am seeing me as the director of my world instead of that I am the victim. So here we have another point: I either in any given moment experience myself as the victim or the winner. Thus if I am the director and beneficiary of the outcome of what I am experiencing then I feel ‘content’ with myself and my environment. If I experience myself as being victimised through my allowance or ‘at a loss’ and not the director of everything I come into contact with, then I experience myself as disappointed in me and thus access sorrow.
Sorrow is therefore the emotion through which I withdraw from myself, in anger and regret because I did not achieve the outcome that I designed within how I view me. How I view me within this is to become a better thinker and a stronger character, or else I won’t make it in this world. Now looking at how I have structured my perception of how all my reactions as mentioned above fit into my view of myself, I would say that I constantly have to manipulate myself to feel strong and to act smart. I want to be strong so that I may feel strength as myself and thus not fear anything. Therefore I allow me to tell myself (manipulation) that to appear strong to myself I must ‘achieve’ certain outcomes. This is where the ‘good’ versus ‘bad’ come from.
The ‘Good’ outcome is how I determine whether I am able to accept myself and the bad is how I decide when to back down from what I am busy with. I have therefore designed certain reactions within me like sorrow and heartache as a reaction to the ‘bad’ experience so that I may withdraw from what I was doing because it is not working for me and thus must not be done again. Now the problem here obviously is that you cannot just ‘back down’ from what you are busy with, just because you see that it makes you ‘feel bad’ based on a need to feel content and directive. For example if I want a certain outcome during my day so that I may feel more clever or stronger and in the end I don’t experience me as that – I will dip into tiredness and sorrow, to force myself to stop participating. Why stop participating? So that I may try something else that works. After all what point is there in continually circling around the same crap everyday if it brings you no satisfaction? Interesting I have never seen these points before.
So I might entertain my mind with ventures and games during the day through which I either feel stronger and directive or I decide to back off and try something else. If I don’t feel like trying something ‘new’ to boost my ego then I will access depression which is how I remain subdued, waiting for the next point to ‘emerge’ from within my environment.
So I wait for the next point and basically lose all interest in what I am not being successful with, until I am able to direct me into ‘feeling’ strength or directive again. Sorrow is therefore how I change myself from being expressive to not expressive in the waiting for a better opportunity to find the solution again, in which I will access what I ‘require’. So is sorrow real then from the perspective that I actually feel ‘sad’? No because what I feel sad about is actually not that I am sorry or have remorse but rather feel depressed within because I did not feel clever or directive or in control. Sorrow for example in the case with what I am experiencing right now with Anthony leaving would be how I view myself in light of the ideal situation I perceived I would liked to have had. I am not sorry for myself from the perspective of being mortified that he left or that he has made a mistake. I feel ‘sorrow’ (which is the word we use to describe how I feel as an actual relative experience within) because I wanted things to become more effective and fun and instead had to let Anthony go because we just did not get the points right. No biggie because fuck I am still learning how to stop the bullshit abuse and live here in self honesty. So the experience of sorrow is linked to my expectations that I have of myself, the whole reason why I came here and one of the reason why I struggle to become grounded in day to day stuff. I desire to be directive, yet within directive I mean basically to feel good about myself and make sure that I don’t just get what other people settle for but actually the stuff I WANT. For example: an agreement with somebody where both just fully express in the agreement without regret, without shame, without hate, without self abuse, without holding onto ideas that either one is bad or wrong or sick in the head. So for example with Anthony how I experience myself is as regret because I should have been directive about who I went into an agreement with and not allowed myself to desire, but instead I went into an agreement and allowed my desires to run rampant like desiring to be special and to be sexually free with him. When we both realised we had issues (duh) we both accessed our crap and presented it to each other on silver platters. Both have to take responsibility for what we allowed and both must forgive for each to really enjoy who we are.
First though I had to realise that I wanted to achieve something and when I only accessed the ‘bad’ side of myself with very little results for the ‘good’ I perceived in me, I slowly started to get angry and to withdraw because that is where we both access ‘depression’ as a coping/hiding mechanism. I desired within the relationship (as an example) to be heard and to feel alive within my own skin. To accomplish this I had to become playful and have a blast all day. Not being able to have fun all day like a little girl I soon fell into a withdrawal and soon into a pattern of obsessive depressive fatigue. This tiredness comes from wanting to sleep and wake up and start feeling me again. The sleep I experience as a dying sensation through which I emerge as rejuvenated and ready to face more shit that I have to do to get myself to ‘feel’ directive. Therefore directive is not who I am yet but rather something I have heard requires to be done successfully for myself and all to not have so many issues and fuck each other up. Thus directive stands separate from me if it still has a value instead of being who I am, always here.
This brings me back to where I still allow myself to desire an outcome within which I feel better from the perspective of feeling directive and content. I desire to feel like nothing is more than me and nothing has control over me. I would say that the reason why most have ‘depression’ is because we see how we allow ourselves to conform to fear and rules and systems and do nothing to stop it. Thus we hide and we blame others for the problem instead of taking self responsibility. Therefore to depress me is saying that I am not willing to stop what exists within me as competition, the need to direct myself and the need to be better in my way of thinking and acting. The ultimate robot who wants to dance like no other robot.
So, the robot within me wants to ultimately break all restrictions and dance like crazy, but I am to afraid of giving up on how I play the game in which I have learnt I am fairly safe if all goes well. Meaning: to take chances each day to break free but once I am unsure of myself I back down again. By breaking free I mean to let go of all expectations, all desires and just be here in self expression. So what do I desire and how do I let go of my desires:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to fit a picture presentation of myself within this world, as presented by the system for each to ‘be accepted within the system’
I forgive myself for desiring to be ‘safe’ from the perspective of having no financial difficulties or having to beg others for money or security
I forgive myself for desiring to have the ‘creature comforts’ that exist within this world, that seemingly ‘make things easier’ to live with, like money and people who support you in your personality design
I forgive myself for desiring to be strong and to have no fear, instead of walking in self trust
I forgive myself for desiring a specific outcome with regards to my own experiences, as to not make mistakes and not have to face my own decisions.
I forgive myself for having such expectations of myself that when the expectations are not met, I access ‘sorrow’ which is depression as a form of inner punishment and self abuse
Heartache: heartache I would say is the inner emotional struggle that exists within me where I want to experience love and being desired and having value. Therefore if I don’t experience myself as desired and loved and appreciated I go into the emotional ‘bubble’ called heartache. An actual experience of a messed up reality within my chest and mind in which the pain is intense yet suppressed with me saying things like: ‘no I am fine’. Yet what I realise is that the pain in my chest is associated to the desire to have all I want and for it to be practical. Once I realise that I am not going to get what I ‘want’ that is how and where I access this bubble. I then walk around with my heart literally sore with failed desire and within this I won’t express the pain, just suppress. Within the suppression I realise that the desire for love and validation is not real because nobody can give it to you, but I had designed such a pretty idea in my head of what is possible between two beings that I am utterly disappointed that it just cannot be. Why can two beings not just enjoy each other and commit to each other and then stick to the agreement? Why must there always be an end or why must one or both beings end up feeling like they have done something wrong. So that is why I allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ because my idea of how an agreement could be is for both beings to get over their crap and enjoy each other. Now of course I realise that within my statement I am making a justification for relationship in which two beings live together and participate with each other. I realise that all relationships are based on some desire and thus as the desire is of the mind, eventually it will end because if the desire runs out beings tend to lose interest. I experience heartache because the beings I enjoyed expressing me with either lost interest or just did not want to continue because something happened and thus it had to end. My experience of heartache is therefore based on a conditioned believe that I must find the ideal agreement where both beings actually want to be there and apply themselves effectively for themselves, so that nobody has to leave in order for one to ‘get it right’. This also implies that for both to actually walk together in self trust, each must face what they allow and stand up within themselves for themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting this conditioning within myself based on wanting a relationship based in control of an outcome.
I forgive myself for wanting to have a relationship so that I may experience the feelings of love and justify this by saying: ‘but why is it not possible for two beings to enjoy each other’
I forgive myself for wanting an ideal relationship where two beings participate fully and allow themselves to express and communicate and live
I forgive myself for conditioning another’s expres¬sion, to what I would like it to be within relationship to me
I forgive myself for desiring to be in a relationship with somebody who will be gentle and supportive, yet able to stand up to bulshit and assist me in standing up to my bulshit.
I forgive myself for allowing designs within the matrix to present a picture to me in which people desire the ‘ideal’ relationships
I forgive myself for judging people who are in relationships even though I myself have designed one in my mind and will actually experience my bubble of emotional heartache if I am not experiencing my design.
I forgive myself for taking it personally if somebody does not want to be my friend or be in a relationship with me
I forgive myself for desiring a mind puppet through which I may direct my own desires for sex and comparison and needs
So I have realised that sorrow is the disappointment I experience with myself when I don’t experience what I would like to have or experience throughout my day. Heartache is an emotional bubble that I allow within me when I don’t feel loved or caressed or desired. The sorrow is linked (as I experience it) to the desire for power in which I either am the winner over what I set out to do or the looser. The winning depending on whether I am able to congratulate myself on fulfilling one or all points I set out to do – based on an idea I have of my purpose.
Heartache is linked to my emotional states pertaining to relationships. These relationships could be friendships or agreements or relationships with any being in my environment. If I attach an emotional outcome e.g.: being desired or validated to the relationship, then I sometimes allow myself to experience ‘heartache’ if these points are not met. Thus if I want to feel desired for example within a relationship I might set out to do certain things, which will result in me experiencing myself according to what I desire to experience. The heartache is therefore how I would perceive myself to have ‘lost an experience’ through which I would have experienced me as: for example desired, needed, wanted. The focus of wanting this experience to come from outside me, comes from wanting self to be desired, be likable, be wanted. Which means that I want to have purpose for me to be able to live with myself. If the purpose is to be needed then I will go into relationship so that I may have a purpose, so that I don’t have to face me in not having a purpose.
Why purpose? Is it not simpler to just be here without a set purpose or design? Yes I realise that to state oneself as purpose or without validation, is to say that I want to exist as a projected image for me to try and live by. Why? As I write this I see that I don’t want to actually have purpose but believe that I should have purpose and thus want to give me purpose through relationship. If I am here with no purpose then I feel anxious because I know that in this world one cannot just sit around and have no purpose while millions suffer. I also realise that to tell myself: I must do something for me as all, I am giving me a purpose. The point though is to not seek a purpose for self through relationship. How does one exist here without seeking value especially not value through relationship? Practically I realise that while I am here I see what exists as this world and I see what I am able to do to stop myself from self destructing and then assist those I communicate with to realise the same. So my purpose is not to make myself feel better about myself either by designing paths or journeys to walk to apparently be no more inner abuse. Because as I walk I assist me in self honesty. I don’t require to build special relationships so that I may assist me.
Therefore my realisation is that whoever I communicate with is not there to fill a gap in self definition so that I don’t self abuse. If I communicate with a being I self express me in understanding of who I am . Therefore the emotions that I used to give me purpose to not self abuse are not valid. I do not require the opposite polarity of self abuse emotions for me to be here. The opposite polarity emotions for example being: feeling needed, loved, special whereas before I would have ‘lived’ to destroy me as self hate and loathing.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret for not accessing more emotions that would have given me a feeling of self worth during my relationships with people
I forgive myself for holding onto heartache if I do not experience myself differently around people
I forgive myself for placing conflict, sorrow as control and self hatred as the reason why I should have tried harder or done more in my relationships
I forgive myself for placing value in relationship, whereby I would desire to feel needed and fulfilled – thus if these points are not met I access inner conflict about whether I am really able to live with me, seeing as I fucked up again
So this brings an interesting point. If I connect my idea of fucking up in relationship to something like heartache then it means that I hold onto me as again either being a success in life or not. The heartache being the ‘reference point’ of again whether I feel I was successful or not in whatever I applied myself as. The idea of success or no success again obviously ties in with me as my purpose as the end result of my purpose therefore I am complete.
I forgive myself for desiring to become somebody who everybody else is able to say: look she stood up she is free from all her emotions
I forgive myself for fearing being the person in the room who thinks they did not achieve their purpose which is to be seen by others as stable and strong.
I forgive myself for watching and comparing myself to others who are seen as stable and thinking that I must be like them
I forgive myself for believing that unless I am more stable and able to stand up to others and events then I am just small and powerless and experience sadness
I forgive myself for allowing the experience of sadness by thinking about that which I have not been able to do, which is mostly based on ideas about relationships and accomplishments and not about what is best for all
I forgive myself for judging myself as not being the right person to stand up for all because I still allow myself to enjoy relationships and the participation therein.
I forgive myself for attaching a polarity to whether I fit a picture of what is best or not, meaning whether I act one way or another
I forgive myself for focussing on the emotional outcome of an event rather than being self honest about myself and trusting me in self responsibility
I forgive myself for desiring an emotional outcome pertaining to anything I participate in because the emotion will be the ‘reference point’ as to whether I experience myself as content or sad
I forgive myself for holding an emotional measurement to each point I participate in or experience and from there either experience me as content because I was ‘good’ in that moment or sorrow’ because I looked or acted bad.
The good or bad as I mentioned being a value and judgment I have about how I think I should experience me instead of what is practical for me and all. I still allow myself to look at myself and my participation as good or bad: meaning I have judgements about what I say and whether I should be saying and doing it. The judgment comes from fear of making a decision that will apparently according to my definition of ‘loss’ cost me dearly. Thus if for example I fear saying something which later is used against me then I compromise myself. Thus sometimes I will hold back on what I experience and allow me to experience judgment about any ‘value’ of expression because at the end of it all my own inner battle with value leaves me bitter about value. Thus I will often in my mind judge what people value because I myself value so much, to which I must apparently live by, because I have decided that if I don’t I am a bad person. A bad person being me in self expression if it costs another something or makes me feel silly or creates a situation where I see myself as less than or mistaken. So how I also experience ‘heartbroken’ is me in general if I allow myself to define me according to conditions of failure and mistakes where I messed up or hurt me through my ‘decisions’. Thus I view all and any decisions I make as non trustworthy due to my inability to just be and allow me to ‘make mistakes’ stand up and walk in self trust. So heartache is linked to no self trust because if I unconditionally accepted myself and walk in trust of me I would not experience the loss associated to the ‘heartache’ (the definition of me as less than or of little value).
What I have realised is that the only way to push through any experiences of sorrow or heartache is to forgive myself for the accepted and allowed conditioning, for which I have attached value to. Then to stop thoughts associated to the moments where I would give in to the perception that for me to experience worth of myself I must go there or participate with a specific person/event. Therefore self intimacy and realising each experience or feeling I have defined as being ‘due to another being or event’ was actually me experiencing myself and that I will not experience self value or worth through my participation with a person or event, but that it is always here, constant as me.