母亲等如实化的内疚

高洪0221
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母亲等如实化的内疚

帖子高洪0221 » 周日 10月 18, 2015 2:31 pm

Mothers as Manifested Regret
母亲等如实化的内疚

原文地址:http://desteni.org/a/mothers-as-manifested-regret

Maite – Mothers as manifested regret
Date : 27/08/2008
Maite-母亲等如实化的内疚
日期:2008年8月27日
翻译:高洪
审核:Tanya Chou

Let’s start with taking a look at what is so typical about mothers in this world. What is it they all have in common? Fears, concerns, worries – and then the way to deal with them: trying to keep control of their children and their children's lives. This is what keeps mothers busy all the time, thoughts as ‘what will happen if this…?’, ‘I hope they are fine’, ‘I must make sure that that doesn’t happen’,… They are constantly occupied with worrying about other beings and making sure that they are fine. Mothers will do anything to protect their children, even if it means deciding what their children must do, deciding how they must live their lives, etc.
让我们开始察看一下在这个世界里如此典型的有关“母亲”是什么。她们全都有的共同点是什么?害怕、关注、担心——然后,处理它们的方法:试图对她们的孩子和她们孩子的生活保持控制。思考像是:“如果这样将会发生什么……?”“我希望他们都好。”“我必须确保那个不会发生。”……正是这些让母亲们一直保持忙碌。她们不断地忙于担心其他人和确保他们都好。母亲将做任何事保护她们的孩子,即使这意味着决定她们的孩子必须做什么、决定他们必须如何活他们的生活等等。

Mothers always live in service of others, they have become the servants and slaves of their children. Why?
And what are mothers the manifestation of in this world – what of which exist in each one of us do mothers represent?
母亲们总是活在对他人的服务中,她们已经成为了她们孩子的仆人和奴隶。为什么?
以及什么是母亲在这个世界里的实化显现——其中存在于我们每一个人里的“做母亲”代表着什么?

I will share with you what I have realized for myself, about myself.
Throughout my life up until now I have gone through several experiences/situations that were quite messy. I would play a ‘major’ role in these situations, where I was a central person to call it like that. Or to put it differently, if I hadn’t been there, the messy situation might not have occurred. There were always several beings involved that all ended up hurt in some way or another.
我将与你分享我为我自己、关于我自己已经领悟到的。
纵观我的人生,直到现在我已经走过几个相当凌乱的经历/情形。我将要在这些情形里处于一个“主要的”角色,在那里可以说我是一个核心人物。或者换一种不同的说法,如果我没有在那里出现,这凌乱的情形可能不会发生。总是有几个所涉及的人仕全都想方设法结束伤害。

I’m mostly referring to two situations that were actually very similar, which involved love, the most painful thing I’ve encountered so far. In both these situations I could’ve prevented a fuck up from happening, but I allowed curiosity, desires and hope to direct me instead. And so, two times it ended up in a very messed up way where everyone got hurt.
In seeing these situations play out and in seeing how everyone, including myself was fucked up afterwards, regret, shame and guilt compounded within myself – because I knew, I could have stopped this, but I didn’t. Waah, many reactions still, I’m definitely not through with self-forgiveness on these past events – lol.
我通常牵涉实际上非常相似的两种情形,包含着爱,是迄今为止我遭遇到的最痛苦的事情。在这两种处境下我可以阻止发生搞砸的事情,但是我允许好奇、欲望和期待替代我指挥我,因此两种时刻都以一种非常混乱的方式、在那里每个人都受到伤害而结束。
看到这些情形和看看每个人包括我自己过后是怎样的糟糕:内疚、羞耻和负罪在我自己里面增幅——因为我知道,我可以停止这个但我没有做。哇,仍然有很多反应,我肯定还没有在这些过去的事件上完成自我宽恕。哈哈……

I held myself responsible for everyone that got involved and everyone that got hurt and I saw it as my obligation to make sure that they would be fine again to so‚ pay my dues‘. The situation in itself was fucked, but I believed I still could fix the beings that were involved and I believed I had to, because I believed I ‚broke them‘. So, that’s what I ‘promised’ myself I would do, make sure everyone got okay again, and as long as they weren’t, I wouldn’t be either. See, actually, I wanted for them to feel all right again, because their hurt reminded me of what I had done that I could’ve prevented and so, I wanted desperately for them to be fine and tell me they’re okay, so that I could suppress the regret, shame, guilt and sorrow within myself to not have to deal with it directly, instead I would try to ‚fix things‘ and hide within it – because regret, shame, guilt and sorrow is absolutely not cool to experience and it lasted for yeaaaaars.
我为参与进来的每个人负责,因而使每个人受到了伤害,而且我视确保他们再次很好作为我的职责,因此我“付出了代价”。这情形本身就搞砸了,但我相信我仍然可以摆平所涉及的人仕们并且我相信我不得不这样做,因为我相信我“破坏了他们”。因此,那就是我所“承诺”我自己要去做的——确保每个人再次好起来,并且只要他们不好我也不会好。看看,实际上我想要他们再次感觉好,是因为他们的受伤害让我想起来我曾经做的一切是我可以预防的,并且因此我拼命地想要为了他们好起来,然后他们告诉我他们好了,以便于我可以抑制我自己里面的内疚、羞耻、负罪和悲伤以不必直接去处理它,反而尝试要“摆平事情”并躲藏在它里面——因为去经历内疚、羞耻、负罪和悲伤一点也不酷,且持续了那么多……年。

Those were absolutely the most painful experiences that I’ve had and the most tiring as well. What I actually did is enslave myself to others, to pay my debt, and as long as they didn’t say the magic words of ‘It’s okay, I’m fine’, I had to continue paying my debt.
Not cool, not cool at all.
那些绝对是我所体验过的最痛苦的而且也是最疲惫的经历。实际上我所做的是让别人来奴役我自己以偿还我的债务,而且只要他们不说出那个神奇的词语“好了,我很好”,我就不得不继续偿还我的债务。
不酷,一点也不酷。

Now, to prevent this from happening again, I turned into a mother, from the perspective that I constantly wanted to make sure that others in my environment are okay. If not, problem, I must fix them. I would observe my environment all the time and wherever someone is experiencing frictions or whatever, I would try to find out why and try to get the cause of the frictions away for them. Actually, every time someone is feeling sad, depressed or hurt or whatever, I immediately feel the same emotions within myself coming up again. So, I immediately want to comfort and help this being, because as long as this being is experiencing what he/she is experiencing, I experience the shit within myself that I had suppressed within me, again – because in some strange way I believed I'm the cause of this being's experience and then the fear comes up that I did something wrong. Interesting, I within this actually didn’t care for the being that is sad/hurt/depressed/etc at all, I just acted in a way for me to feel okay again within myself by suppressing what came up within me everytime.
现在,为了防止类似情形再次出现我变成了一个母亲,这是从以下观点来看的:我不断地想要确保其他人仕在我的环境里是好的,如果不是这样,而是出了问题,我必须摆平它们。我将要一直观察我的环境和无论什么地方有人正在经历摩擦或者不管什么,我将要试图去查明为什么并且试图为他们搞清楚这个摩擦的起因。实际上,每次有人感觉伤心、压抑或者受伤或者其他无论什么,我会立刻感受到同样的情绪在我自己里面再次升起。因为只要这个人仕体验着他/她正在体验的,我会在我自己里面再次体验到我曾经抑制在我自己里面的狗屁东西,所以我立刻想要舒服些并帮助这个人仕——因为在一些奇怪的方法里我相信我是这位人仕的经历的起因,然后害怕我做了错事的害怕升了起来。很有趣,实际上在这情形中,我根本不关心这个人仕是否伤心/受伤/压抑/等等,我只是通过每次抑制从我自己里面升起来的东西,用一种为我在我自己里面再次感觉“好”的方法行动。

The suffering of others brings out the suffering that exist in me and I do not want to experience this. And so I tried to take responsibility for others, help them to deal with their shit, instead of me taking and living self-responsibility and deal with my own shit – trying to fix myself through others.
其他人仕的受苦受难带出了在我里面存在的受苦受难,而我不想要去体验这个。因此我设法为其他人负责任、帮助他们处理他们的搞砸的事——试图通过他人来摆平我自己,而不是我拿起并活我的自我-责任且处理我自己的欺骗。

It didn’t stop just with fixing others, I would go a step further, I would do my best to prevent beings from feeling ‘bad’. I would observe my environment and wherever the possibility exist that someone might get hurt or whatever, I must stop that possibility from existing no matter what, which automatically implies self-compromise. So, I would already think ahead and do what I could to prevent storms of emotions and feelings within and between people from happening. I had to protect everyone from the storm of feelings and emotions that is actually themselves. But my intentions, as I said, was not really to protect others, it was to protect myself. Trying to protect myself from the storm that exist in me, that is me. What a joke. As I am writing this I am seeing what I did for the first time. That I actually went through all this trouble to hide from myself, believing that that is possible, crazy!
我并没有停留于仅仅摆平其他人仕,而是更进了一步——我将要尽力而为预防其他人仕感觉“不好”。我将要观察我的环境和不论哪里可能存在的有人也许会受伤或诸如此类的情形,我必须停止现存的无论什么-自动蕴含自我-妥协的可能性。因此我要做到已经想在前面和做能做的尽可能阻止在人们里面和之间的情绪和感情风暴的发生。我不得不保护每个人免受感情和情绪风暴的伤害,而事实上那是他们自己的。但是正如我说过的,我的意图并不真的是保护他们,而是保护我自己,试图保护我自己免受存在于我里面的风暴的伤害,那是我自己。开什么玩笑!在我书写这些的过程中我第一次看见我所做的,事实上我经受所有这些麻烦去隐藏我自己,相信那些是可能的。真疯狂!

Apart from what I just described, what I also did, was to fear making mistakes that I would regret making, especially if my mistake could affect other beings. I extensively feared to again create a fuck up within myself and others, out of fear of having to go through the same experiences of regret, shame, guilt and sorrow. So, I would only do what is ‘safe’ for me to do, meaning, only do that which I could predict the outcome of, which is trying to keep control – by controlling myself, my actions, my expressions of me. If I didn’t know exactly what the outcome would be, I would expect the worst and not go there, no risks, no chances. Everything must be nice all the time, everything must be happy and peaceful all the time. Hush hush, don’t make me hear myself.
除了我刚才描述的之外,我曾经也做过的是害怕犯错误进而我会内疚我所做的,特别是如果我的错误可能影响到其他人仕。由于害怕不得不经历同样的内疚、羞耻、负罪和悲伤的体验,我广泛地害怕在我自己里面和其他人那里再次制造搞砸的事,所以我将只为我自己做‘安全的’事,意味着只做那些我可以预知结局的事——通过控制我自己、我的行动、我的表达试图控制该事情。如果我不知道那个结局确切是什么,我将会预料最坏的而且不会去那里,无风险、没机会。每件事必须一直是好的,每件事必须一直是快乐和平和的。安静安静, 别让我听见我自己。

So, to come back to my initial questions: What are mothers the manifestation of in this world? Regret.
What of which exist in each one of us do mothers represent? How we allow regret to direct us, where we end up living for other beings, taking responsibility for them, instead of first living self-responsibility.
The mothers in this world show us a part that exist in all of us, that is why they exist as they do.
Interestingly, what my perception of how, who and what mothers are in this world was not of people who desperately try to hide. I perceived them to get quite a lot of respect. Like: Mothers are always here for us, we can always count on them, oh mother, I am so grateful for you, I love you so much‘.
所以,回到我最开始的问题:什么是母亲在这个世界里的实化显现?内疚。
存在于我们每一个人里的“做母亲”代表什么?我们是如何允许内疚指导我们的?我们在哪里结束为其他人仕而活、为他们负责任,而不是首先活自我-责任?
这个世界里的母亲展示给我们看的是存在于我们所有人里面的一部分,那就是为什么她们存在等如她们所做。
有趣的是,关于这个世界里母亲是怎样的、是谁和是什么,我的看法不属于人们拼命试图去隐藏的。我认为她们会获得相当多的尊敬。就像:母亲为了我们永远在这里,我们总是可以指望她们,“哦母亲,我是如此地感激你,我非常爱你”。

I always perceived myself to want to be a mother, because I believed they are so respected and trusted and thanked and loved. So, what does this say about me? That I do not respect myself, that I do not trust myself, that I am not grateful for myself, that I do not love myself, because apparently I need others to do that for me. Why do I not respect myself, why do I not trust myself, why am I not grateful for myself, why do I not love myself? Because of regret, because I know who and what I have allowed myself to do, be and become – and I did not change, but allowed myself to continue as is – not stopping when I know I should have.
我总是认为我自己想要成为一名母亲,因为我相信她们是如此地受尊敬和受信赖和被感激和被爱。所以这对我而言是什么呢?那是:我不尊敬我自己,我不信赖我自己,我不感激我自己,我不爱我自己,因为很显然我需要其他人仕来为我做这些。为什么我不尊敬我自己?为什么我不信赖我自己?为什么我不感激我自己?为什么我不爱我自己?因为内疚、因为我知道谁和什么是我已经允许了我自己所做的、所是的和所成为的——并且我不肯改变,却允许我自己作为这我知道我应该停止却不停止——继续下去。

I have to take a look at this perception of a mother I have at the moment. Why do I perceive mothers to get respect? Where does my perception that mothers receive respect come from?
I actually didn't have a straight look at the mothers as how they are in this world, when I perceived mothers to be respected and loved, I looked at the ‚symbol‘ of the mother, the way they are portrayed in paintings and in religion – where mothers sometimes are seen as some kind of saints, like mother Mary for instance.
此刻,我必须来察看一下我所拥有的这个关于母亲的看法,为什么我认为母亲会获得尊敬?我的这个“母亲会获得尊敬”的观点来自哪里?
实际上,我没有直接察看母亲作为在这个世界里她们是怎样的。当我认为母亲被尊敬和被爱时,我看到了有关母亲的“符号”,是她们被描绘在绘画和宗教里的样子——在那里母亲有时看上去即是某种圣人,例如像圣母玛利亚。

I must have a look at my relationship with my mom here. Okay, me and my mom. The last couple of years, me and my mom started developing a ‚good relationship‘ as how I perceived it to be. Interestingly, three of my best friends had a very good relationship with their mother as well – in the sense that they would dare to confide in them, had fun with them as with a friend – what obviously supported how I perceived my mom to be. I saw my mom as a ‚good thing‘ in my life, someone who would support what I wanted to do, someone I could talk to. We could have arguments, but in the end she would always be there for me. Okay, I see something here. I just asked myself the question, was she really always here for me, was she really supporting me? I said to myself „yes, like when I said for instance that I wanted to go to a school to become a professional dancer and not go to university – what she had always expected from me. At first she made the statement that that's absolutely not an option, but after a while, she did support me and allowed me to do what I wanted.“ But see, what happened was that I merely convinced her to support me, I made it happen that she'd support me. How? Manipulation – these skills you develop as a child, which you use against your parents so you can get what you want. You know, another example is for instance when I'd go shopping with her and we agreed to only get one pair of shoes. I always ended up liking two pairs and would then know exactly what words to say, how to look at the shoes, how to hold my face and my body, for her to eventually say „okay, well, just take ‚em both then.“ And then I would go „really? are you sure?“ And she „yes, just take them.“ And then me again „oh, thank you mommy, kiss.“ Lol, I‘m shattering the perception about my relationship with my mom of me loving and respecting her and she supporting me within myself, it's fun. Because, what happened in these situations? My mom ‚supported‘ what I wanted, because of fear, because she feared that I would be angry with her if she wouldn't give me what I wanted – and then I wouldn't respect her, love her, thank her or trust her anymore. So, she gave me what I wanted and then I gave her what she wanted: the feeling of being respected and loved and thanked and trusted.
在这里我必须看一看我与我母亲的关系。好,我和我的母亲。在过去的几年里我和我母亲开始发展出一种“好关系”正如我认为它该是怎样的。有趣的是,我的三位好朋友与我一样都与他们的母亲有一个很好的关系,就某种意义而言他们将会敢于相信她们、与她们一起玩如同与一个朋友在一起——显然支持着我如何感知我的母亲。我看待我的母亲是我人生中的“好事”,是那个将会支持我想要做什么的人,是那个我可以交谈的人。我们会有争吵,但是最终她将总是为我在那里。好,在这里我看见一些东西。我只是问我自己这问题:她真的总是为我在这里吗?她真的是在支持我吗?我对我自己说:“是的。就像,例如当我说我想要去一所能成为专业舞者的学校,而不按她一直对我期望的那样去上大学时。刚开始她声明那绝对不是一个选项,但是过了一会儿,她支持我并且允许我去做我想要的。”但是看一看,所发生的是我仅仅确信她会支持我,是我让“她会支持我”这事发生的。怎样做到的?操纵——这些技能是当你还是孩子的时候发展起来的,是你用来反对你的父母因此你能够得到你想要的。你知道,另外一个例子是,例如:当我和她去逛商店并且我们同意只买一双鞋。最终我总是喜欢两双鞋,而且然后我确切地知道说什么话、如何看着鞋子、如何撑着我的脸和我的身体,直到她最终说:“好吧,那就两双都拿上吧。”然后,我将会这样:“真的吗?你确定?”然后她说:“是的,就都买了吧。”然后我再次说:“哦,谢谢你妈妈,亲一个。” 哈哈,我打碎了在我里面关于我与我母亲的关系属于我爱和尊敬她和她支持我的看法,有趣。因为,在这些情形中发生了什么?我的妈妈,由于害怕才“支持”我想要的,因为她害怕如果她不给我我想要的我将会对她愤怒——然后我再也不会尊敬她、爱她、感激她或信赖她。所以,她给我我想要的,而然后我给予她她想要的:被尊敬和被爱和被感激和被信赖的感觉。

Fascinating, children know exactly what their mother's greatest fear and greatest desire is and use it all the time to get what they want. This entire perception of what my relationship with my mom consisted of, was fake. What we were actually doing was give the other what the other wanted, so that we could both get what we wanted. Have a look, the support from a mother to her child is not the mother actually supporting the child, it is the mother making sure that she will get what she wants and desires, as respect and love and gratefulness and trust. And in the same way, the respect, love, gratefulness and trust the child gives the mother, is to get what the child wants. So, then the question is, is this really respect? Is this really love? Is this really gratefulness? Is this really trust? It is not, it cannot be, it is merely a presentation/ perception of respect, love, gratefulness and trust – it is empty words as a way to manipulate of which the child knows that it will create within their mother the perception and the feeling of being respected, loved, thanked and trusted – but it is not actually so.
真奇妙,孩子们确切地知道他们的母亲最害怕和最期望的是什么,并且一直利用它去得到他们想要的。这个我和我母亲的关系由什么组成的整个看法是:骗子。我们实际上在做的是给予其他人仕他们想要的,以便于我们可以获得我们想要的。察看一下,一个母亲给她的孩子的支持并不是母亲实际上在支持着孩子,而是母亲确保她将会得到她想要和期望的,如同尊敬和爱和感激和信赖。而且以同样的方法,孩子们给予母亲的尊敬、爱、感激和信赖,是为了去得到孩子想要的。所以,那么问题是:这是真的尊敬吗?这是真的爱吗?这是真的感激吗?这是真的信赖吗?这不是,不会是的,这仅仅是一个尊敬、爱、感激和信赖的陈述/看法——它是空洞的文字作为一种操纵的方法,其中孩子们了解它将会在他们的母亲里面创造出被尊敬的、被爱的、被感激的和被信赖的看法和感觉——但实际上并不是如此。

And the entire symbolism of mothers as being sacred beings is supporting all of this, is supporting this cover-up – so we can continue what we're doing.
It worked well with me, I never considered really taking a look at this, because… Why? Because I didn't want to see it. It's not that I couldn't conceive this to be possible, because I knew it all along, I just wrote it all out, it was here all the time. So, why didn't I want to see this? Firstly because I wanted my perception of mothers to be real, because I was planning and on my way to becoming a mother myself as a way of hiding behind the respect, love, gratefulness and trust of others. Secondly, because I know that manipulation is self-dishonesty, but because I as a child didn't know how else to operate/ act to get my mother to ‚support me‘ / give me what I want that I couldn't get by myself but for which I needed her in some way (because mothers as a parent have in this world the authority to make decisions for their children that the children are not allowed to make for themselves, for which they require the permission from their parents) – I covered everything up by creating the idea within myself that I love my mother, that my mother loves me, that my mother respects me and supports me, that I respect my mother – to have me feel okay within myself for manipulating my mother all the time.
而且母亲作为整个神圣存在的符号象征是支持所有这些,是支持这隐藏——这样我们可以继续我们正在做的。
这对我很有效,我从来没有真的考虑过察看这一切,因为……为什么?因为我不想要看。这不是我不可能考虑到的,因为我一直知道它,我只是全部写出它,它始终在这里。所以,为什么我不想要去看它?首先,因为我想要我的关于母亲的看法是真实的,因为我在规划和以我的方式去成为一个母亲-我自己,作为一种可以将我自己隐藏在其他人仕对我的尊敬、爱、感激和信赖后面的方法。其次,因为我知道操纵是自我不诚实,但是因为我作为一个孩子不知道如何操作/表现去得到我的母亲“支持我”/给予我我想要却无法由我自己去获得的,但在某种程度上我需要她(因为母亲作为一个家长在这个世界上是为他们的孩子做决定的权威,而他们的孩子不被允许去为他们自己做决定,他们需要从他们家长那里获得准许)——通过在我自己里面创造出这样的观点:我爱我母亲、我母亲爱我,我母亲尊敬和支持我、我尊敬我的母亲——因为始终操纵我的母亲使得我在我里面感觉好——我掩盖了一切。


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see what the relationship of me and my mother actually consisted of.
我宽恕我自己因为我没有接受和允许我自己去看见我与我母亲的关系实质上由什么组成。

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, because I did not want to see.
我宽恕我自己因为我没有接受和允许我自己去看,因为我不想去看。

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/ want to see, because I wanted to hold onto the perception that I had of my mother, because I was planning and on my way to becoming a mother myself as a way of hiding behind the respect, love, gratefulness and trust of others.
我宽恕我自己因为我没有接受和允许我自己去看/想去看,因为我想要抓住这个我所拥有的关于我的母亲的观点,因为我在规划和以我的方式成为一个母亲作为一种可以将我自己隐藏在其他人仕的尊敬、爱、感激和信赖后面的方法。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see that becoming a mother is not going to fill any gaps, because mothers aren't really respected, loved, thanked or trusted at all.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己害怕去看见成为一名母亲是无法填满任何缺口的,因为母亲一点也不是真正的被尊敬、被爱、被感激或被信赖的。

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/ want to see, because I didn't want to see how I was self-dishonest in manipulating my mother.
我宽恕我自己因为我没有接受和允许我自己去看/想要去看,因为我不想要去看见我是如何自我不诚实地在操纵我的母亲。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge dishonesty as ‚wrong‘ and ‚bad‘.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许了我自己将不诚实评判为“错误”和“坏”。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge manipulation as being ‚bad‘ and ‚wrong‘. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having manipulated my mother and father my entire life as being ‚bad‘ and ‚wrong‘.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己将操纵评判为是“坏”和“错”。我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己将我自己在我的整个人生里操纵我的母亲和父亲评判为“坏”和“错”。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a bad person if I do not love, respect and thank my parents for real and only create a perception of love, respect and gratitude to get what I want.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信如果我没有确实地去爱、尊敬和感激我的父母亲 并且仅仅创造出了一个我想要得到的关于爱、尊敬和感激的看法,我就是一个坏人。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within manipulation, have a secret agenda.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己在操纵里面拥有一个秘密议程。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children are supposed to actually love, respect and be grateful for their parents and if not, they are bad children.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信孩子们应该会真实地爱、尊敬和感激他们的父母,如果不是这样他们就是坏孩子。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief to exist within and as me.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许这个信念存在于我里面并等如我。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was and am a bad child/ daughter because I never really loved, respected or thanked my parents, I only created a perception thereof to manipulate my parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信我曾经和现在是一个坏孩子/女儿,因为我从来没有真实地爱、尊敬或感谢过我的父母亲,我仅仅创造了一个看法以此去操纵我的父母亲。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I actually loved my mother, to cover up the fact that I was manipulating her all the time, to make me feel okay with it within myself.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己想要去相信我实际上爱我的母亲,以此来掩藏我始终在操纵她以让我在我自己里面感觉好的事实真相。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for never having actually loved, respected or thanked my parents, because what I actually did was manipulate them by giving them what they want so that I could get what I want.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己对于我从来没有真实地爱、尊敬或感谢过我的父母亲而羞愧,因为我实际上所做的是通过给予他们他们想要的以便于我可能获得我想要的而在操纵他们。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‚wrong‘ with me because I have never actually loved, respected or thanked my parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信在我身上是有一些事“做错”了,因为我从来没有真实地爱、尊敬或感激过我的父母亲。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ‚right‘ and ‚wrong‘ as a polarity of mind.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己参与进“正确”和“错误”等如一个心智的对立极性。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‚right‘ and ‚wrong‘ actually exist.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信“正确”和“错误”是真实存在的。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ‚good‘ and ‚bad‘ as a polarity of mind.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己参与进“好”和“坏”等如一个心智的对立极性。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‚good‘ and ‚bad‘ actually exist.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信“好”和“坏”是真实存在的。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‚good daughter‘ as a daughter who loves, respects and thanks her parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己定义我自己是一个“好女儿”作为一个爱、尊敬和感激她的父母亲的女儿。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self-worth and self-value within and as my self-definition and self-image of being a ‚good daughter‘ as a daughter who loves, respects and thanks her parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己去定义我的自我价值和自我重要性,在里面并作为:我是一个“好女儿”作为一个爱、尊敬和感激她的父母亲的女儿的自我定义和自我形象。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be valuable, to be worthy, I must love, respect and thank my parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信为了让我自己成为重要的、有价值的,我必须爱、尊敬和感激我的父母亲。

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am now worthless and valueless because I never actually did love, respect or thank my parents.
我宽恕我自己因为我接受和允许我自己相信我现在是没价值的和不重要的,因为我从来没有真实地爱、尊敬或感激过我的父母亲。


Okay, back to where I left off before I started about my perception of mothers in this world.
Let’s recapitulate. All that I have described, started with regret. Once you experienced regret, you try to find ways to not have to experience it again. So, you firstly suppress the regret that you have experienced and then you live in constant fear of experiencing regret again and this is what is controlling and directing us in every single moment. So, one thing is, we fear making mistakes and creating fuck ups that will manifest regret and another thing is, we fear the regret that is already here within us that we have suppressed, to come up again. And so we limit ourselves and our expression constantly, firstly because we must not take any risks, we must not step out of the predictable to not create any fuck ups, secondly, because we may not create any havoc in our environment that might ignite the havoc that we have suppressed within ourselves.
好,回到之前我离开的我开始谈论关于这个世界里母亲的我的看法。
我们重述要点。我描述的全部是从内疚开始的。一旦你体验到内疚,你试图寻找方法不再去体验它。所以,首先你抑制了你所体验到的内疚,然后你经常活在害怕再次体验内疚的害怕之中——而这是在每一个单一的片刻里控制和指导我们的。所以,一方面是,我们害怕犯错误和搞砸事情将会实化内疚;另一方面是,我们害怕这个已经在这里在我们里面我们已经抑制了的内疚再次出现。因此我们不断地限制我们自己和我们的表现,首先因为我们必须不冒任何风险,我们必须不跳出预估的以不制造任何搞砸的事情;其次因为我们不可以在我们的环境里制造任何大混乱,不然那将会点燃我们已经抑制在我们自己里面的大混乱。

So, in one word, how did we design ourselves to deal with regret? Control. Control of our environment and our expression of ourselves. And to keep control in every single moment is tiring, very tiring.
And why? To not face regret, but hide and suppress. To not face ourselves. And we do not respect ourselves, we do not trust ourselves, we are not grateful for ourselves and we do not love ourselves. We go and fill these gaps by looking for the respect, trust, gratefulness and love of others and through others – so that we can continue hiding from ourselves within that, to just not have to face regret, to just not have to face ourselves. Every single day we do all the possible we can to be able to continue hiding from ourselves. That is how we live, that is why we do the things we do, to hide from who we are. Is this living? Fucking hell, no. Are we really willing to continue living like this?
所以,总之为了处理内疚我们如何设计我们自己?控制。控制我们的环境和我们自己的表现,而在每一个单一片刻里保持控制是累人的,很累的。
而为什么?不去面对内疚却隐藏和抑制?为了不必面对我们自己。而且我们不尊敬我们自己、我们不信赖我们自己、我们不感激我们自己并且我们不爱我们自己。通过其他人仕、和通过寻找其他人的尊敬、信赖、感激和爱,我们行走和满足这些缺口——以便于我们能够继续隐藏我们自己,在那里面以仅仅不必去面对内疚、不必去面对我们自己。每一天我们做所有我们可能做的以能够继续隐藏我们自己。这就是我们如何活,这就是为什么我们做我们所做的,去隐藏我们是谁。这是生活吗?他妈的,不是!我们真的愿意继续像这样生活吗?

Are we really willing to put ourselves through all this trouble to hide? We can continue living our life this way, trying to keep control and trying to keep everything in place to be able to hide from who we are and what we have allowed – and we will die doing this.
But then we’ll have to face all of ourselves after death anyways. And I must say, the regret to not have stopped here is something I do not wish to experience. Remember, all that we accept and allow to exist within ourselves is what creates this world. I cannot imagine standing before this world, having to answer the question: „Why did you not stop?“
我们真的愿意经由所有这些麻烦将我们自己隐藏起来吗?我们可以继续这样活我们的生活,试图保持控制和试图保持每一件事情到位,以能够隐藏我们是谁和我们已经允许了的——我们会一直这样做到死。
但是,然后无论如何在死后我们将不得不面对我们的全部。而且我必须说,我还没有在这里停止的内疚是某些我不期望去体验的事物。记得,所有那些我们接受和允许存在于我们自己里面的——创造了这个世界。我不能想象站在这个世界面前不得不回答这个问题:“为什么你不停止?”

I suggest we stop running from ourselves.
I suggest we drop our attempts to remain in control of our environment and our expression.
And no, what we will face then is not pretty, it is not beautiful, but it is us.
It is unacceptable to try to help others and make sure others are okay, when we do not dare to take responsibility for ourselves first. And to take responsibility for yourself, you must dare to see you, you must dare to face you.
Look at us, we allowed it to come this far that we are afraid of ourselves, petrified of ourselves.
我建议我们停止逃避我们自己。
我建议我们减少我们的仍然控制我们的环境和我们的表现的企图。
当然,然后我们将面对的不是漂亮的、它不是美丽的,但它是我们自己。
当我们不敢首先承担起我们自己的责任,却试图帮助其他人仕并确保其他人很好是不可以接受的。而且,为了承担起你自己的责任,你必须胆敢去看见你、你必须胆敢去面对你。
看看我们,由于我们害怕我们自己、畏缩我们自己,我们允许这一切走到了这么远。

I suggest we face all of us here and see the truth of us. We know we cannot change our past, we cannot change what we have done. But we can forgive ourselves, and so release ourselves from the grip our past has on us and not continue living the exact same experiences over and over again. We can take back the power we gave away to who we were in the past, we can take back the power we gave away to regret, shame, guilt and sorrow. What we have become and what we have done has already created our future, we cannot change that, but we can change ourselves within it. We can decide who we will be within that which we have already created and thus our experiences as well, as we walk through and face ourselves.
I dare you to see – who are you?
我建议我们面对在这里我们的全部和看我们的真相。我们知道我们不能改变我们的过去,我们不能改变我们已经做了的。但是我们能够宽恕我们自己,并且因此从紧抓我们的过去拥有的我们中释放我们自己,并且不再继续活在一生又一生确实相同的经历中。我们能够拿回在过去我们放弃我们是谁的力量,我们能够拿回我们放弃给内疚、羞耻、负罪和悲伤的力量。我们已经成为的和我们做了的已经创造了我们的未来,我们不能改变那些,但是我们能够在它里面改变我们自己。我们能够决定我们将是谁,在那里面我们已经创造了的以及因此我们的经历,作为我们走过并且面对我们自己。
我挑战你敢去看——你是谁?

(版权:Desteni )
我的博客:http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/5337742151

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